I thought we were going to try.
I thought we had time.
I was really happy by the end of this week. We finally found the perfect place for us. Not just a place, but a home. A beautiful home I wanted to fill with good food, laughter, happy memories and maybe a baby. A home with dark wooden floors, a cute little kitchen and windows in the ceiling. A beautiful little boho loft in the middle of town. I was so so happy.
Then late last night he said, I don't want to move into the new place!
I was like, huh - why? Don't you like it? Secretly thinking how bad timing of him it was to mention this now, since we agreed to sign the lease the next day. We stood in the kitchen, and I briefly noticed he was a bit uncomfortable, I just couldn't figure out why. Then he said, Well, I don't want to move into the apartment, but I think you should!
His voice was low, with arms crossed over the chest and eyes that didn't meet mine. Suddenly my heart was pounding in my throat. I felt kind of sick, standing there with a piece of chocolate cake in my mouth. I stupidly and wide-eyed asked if it meant we were not trying to have a baby anymore? If this meant we were over? Like I didn't get the message!
Yes, he said. It's over! And I knew he was serious.
How can life change so fast? In a split second everything I thought was going to happen, just crashed and burned right in front of my eyes.
I've been mentally preparing myself for the worst that I thought could happen, as in me not being able to get pregnant.
But nothing prepared me for this! I thought we had time
My head was spinning sooo fast. He told me he's moving from the town we are living in. The town he brought me to not long ago, because of his job. A town where I don't know anyone. He asked me to write a list, of how I wanted to split our belongings, but all I could think was, What now? What about me and Sara? We have nowhere to go! We all ready gave notice on this apartment, and I don't want to live here anyway.
Apparently he's been thinking about this for a while, but never told me. And now, with the new apartment and signing of the lease, well, I guess he was forced to make a decision.
I wasn't ready. Ready for it all to be over. Ready to stop trying.
I just stood there, and felt everything shatter into a thousand pieces. Everything I imagined, everything I wanted just disappeared,
like sand between my fingers.
I spent all night awake in the living room. He wanted me to go to sleep with him. When he asked, I felt sick again (how can men be so stupid sometimes? Like I could sleep?)
So I stayed right here on the couch, slowly watching night making way for day. And I almost cried, but I didn't? I'm pretty sure I'm still in shock!
I played music and really really missed red wine. Gosh I wish I had some red wine
Actually any wine would have been great
The only conclusion I've come to so far and the only thing I can do, is to go down town and sign that lease by myself today. Then have a good long talk with Sara, explain something to her that I'm not sure I understand myself. But I have to let her know that everything will be okay. That I'm strong. That we will manage. I don't want her to worry.
Today the rest of our life starts.And it's going to be a great one!!!
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end